A Farewell Letter To A Mother.
A farewell letter to a mother. Or maybe should I say, A farewell letter to my mother. My mother just passed away a few days before this. She was a victim of the COVID-19. And because of this, it was not possible for me, to be there in the last moments of her life.
As you maybe have read my previous posts, you know that because of my health condition, I belong in the high-risk group. And I need to be careful. She was admitted to the hospital and stayed in a COVID-19 ward. For close family, it was allowed to visit, but it was at your own risk. This risk was too big for me and did not want to end up in the hospital also.
It was very hard and difficult for me to make this decision. It is something that always will be in the back of my mind and I need to find peace with it. Give it a place.
I hope that with this “letter” to her, I can find some kind of closure.
How is it? This maybe sounded strange because you are not among us anymore. But from the deepest of my heart, I hope you are okay. I am sure that you are in a better place now. A place with no pain or worries.
Finally, you have been reunited with your family again. Your father which you lost at a very young age. Your mother, your two sisters, and your brother. You were the last to join them.
I had admired you. A single parent and taking care of us three. We were 11, 9, and 8 years old when you and dad got divorced. We know that at some times, we were a hand full, but you hung in there. You did everything possible, for us.
You also had survived breast cancer. This was not an easy time, but you hung in there and pushed on. After the operation, radiation, and medication, you had beaten cancer.
Until the last moment, you were very independent. Living by yourself, doing your own shopping, cooking for yourself. Just like your mother. Strong and brave until the end. Several people around me and knew you, are saying the same thing.
January 3, 2021, we celebrated your 88th birthday. And people were sometimes surprised about your age. And living by yourself.
Then, almost two months later, you did not felt that well. The doctor had a check and found that you had an infection in your lungs. The biggest shock was, that you also were tested positive for COVID-19. You insisted to stay home because you did not wanted to be admitted to the hospital. You did not felt that sick.
Maybe three or four days later, you got a fever and your saturation dropped. The advice from the doctor was that you would be admitted to the hospital. So they could look after you. Still, you said that you did not felt that bad.
Sadly, after one day, things took a turn for the worse. On our wedding anniversary, your saturation dropped even further. They gave you morphine so you would breathe better. But all the care and medication did not help. We were informed that this could be the end for you.
This was a very difficult moment for me. Because you were on a COVID-19 ward, the risk for me was too big. From several people, I got the advice not to come or go. This was very hard. As your son, I wanted to be there. Be there with you and my two sisters. Comfort you, just letting you know that we are there with you.
Around 20:00 I was informed by N. (the youngest sister) that you were not responding to the nurses or my two sisters. I just mentioned that we needed to be positive and think that you are resting and that it was because of the morphine. You needed the rest.
But at 22:15 you took your last breath. And I was not there. This hurts. But I hope you don’t blame me and forgive me for it. Somewhere, I know you would understand it. And because I was not there, doesn’t mean that I don’t care for you. But you know that.
Now it is only the three of us. It is hard for all of us, but we need to try to stay strong. Be there for each other and support each other. And I think, you can see that N. is the strongest of us. But M. and I will do our best.
For the funeral/memorial service, you wanted no fuzz. Just keep it simple. Just your children. N. with V., M., Tess and me, J. and the girlfriend and M. (your other grandson) and his girlfriend. No more. We understand and that was you. Just keep it simple.
As you maybe had seen, the other day, we had your memorial service. You wanted to be cremated. As you had seen, it was a nice and short service. Three very nice songs accompanied with three pictures of you. And I think that the three songs were you. In the end, we were given the opportunity, that if we wanted, we could escort you to the car outside. and lift you into the car. For me, this was the last chance to be close to you. For me a sign of giving you my last sign of respect.
We all are looking for some small remembrance with some of your ashes. So you would always be with us. After the ashes are released, we want to spread them out in the same place as where your mother was spread out after her cremation. In this way, you also would be close to her.
As you could see, it was very difficult for all of us.
Ma, you will never be forgotten. Especially now that your death anniversary is on the same date as our wedding anniversary.
You will always be with us and watching over us. Maybe you can also keep an eye on your grandson J. He will move out of the house soon and live together with his girlfriend. A big step for him and also for us. It will be only the two of us again.
Okay Ma, I will leave you to rest now. Please say “Hi” to everyone there. We will meet again when the time is there. Farewell.
Your Loving Son. XXX
It is never easy when a loved one has passed away. It takes time. For some, it looks like it is easier than for others. Everyone has his or her own way of dealing with this situation.
To be very honest, for me it is difficult. Very difficult. I cannot explain what it exactly is but it has hit me hard. To the outside world, you don’t want to show your “weakness”. So you try to stay strong. And take your time to accept it. Also, I need to take the time to accept the fact that I was not with her in those last moments. It was a difficult decision, but I know that she would understand it. Now it is time for me to do the same thing.
I prayed almost every night for healing. But this showed again, that not always our prayers are answered. Our Lord is in control and it was His decision. He wanted my mother to be reunited with her family. It is hard for me, but that is the way it is.
We need to keep in mind, that not always our prayers will be answered. It doesn’t mean that when a prayer is not answered that it is a “NO”. We also can see it as a “Not Yet”. And that the Lord has better or bigger plans for us.
For now, I just want to remind everyone, please be careful. Don’t only think about yourself. That you are the only victim during this pandemic. We are all suffering and we are all making sacrifices. We don’t think only about ourselves, we also need to think about the people around us. People like me would be very grateful for this.
As always, take care and stay safe.
Out of respect and privacy reason, people were only mentioned with the first letter of their names. Thank you for your understanding.
This post, can also be found on my Medium page.