I Think I Need to Make Some Decisions.
I think I need to make some decisions. In our life, we make many decisions. Sometimes, several times a day, or maybe several times per hour. Some decisions are life-changing. Others can take a long time before we can see the effect they had.
During this COVID-19 pandemic, life has changed. And I think, it also gave us the time and the opportunity to think about our lives. And sometimes it took more time to come to a decision.
It has already been a while since my last post. Life has changed. My view, my thoughts, and my activities have changed.
Also, not much has happened. Not much to write about. For my health, so far the problems with my kidney are stable. Only later this year, I will have my checkup for it. For my heart condition, I am still waiting for my regular checkup.
As you maybe know, from reading my other posts, I had restarted an old hobby of mine. And I just finished my second scale model. To be honest, I found this relaxing and sometimes also challenging.
I also started again with “programming/coding”. To be correct, I started to spend more time discovering Low-code/No-code platforms.
And lately, I discovered that this pandemic gave me the chance to let me experience another side of my life. But I only discovered this very recently.
Right now, it is difficult to explain my thoughts and feelings. There is so much going through my mind, that it is difficult to know where to start.
I think I am still not fully accepting this. In the past months/years, I was getting slowly more frustrated/irritated about this. I think that from the beginning, I was ignoring it by keeping myself busy. And thinking that I need to get over it and if I force myself into certain situations I will grow over it.
Maybe another thing that is playing a part in all of this is, that I don’t want to show others that I have this “disability”. I want to show the world that I am “normal”. And I think that it is now catching up with me. Of course, there is still a lot that I can do but I need to learn to not force myself into situations where I know I could have problems. I don’t need to prove to myself and others that I am like everyone else. Because I am not. This is hard.
I need to learn to not think about what others think of me. I need to learn that others need to learn to accept me and that I don’t need to prove myself.
As an example. I am hesitant to read out loud. It is, when I read, I am slow. Because in my mind, I need to puzzle the letters/words together. I need to think about how to pronounce long words. Maybe this sounds strange, but when you only can see two to three letters at a time, it is hard to see or know the whole word before you reached the end of that word. It is the same as when others are reading out loud and I am trying to follow along. If I cannot catch up or get lost, it will take me time and effort to find back where the reader is. I have no overview, so every time, I need to go forward a lot and hope I can find the word or sentence where they are.
The stress, frustration, and irritation are coming from the fact that I am trying my best to be perfect. And that is not possible. So if I “fail” I am putting myself down and blaming myself. I am too hard on myself.
My Heart Failure.
Then there is also my heart failure. Something that will be there for life.
Right now, I think it is stable. Only when I will have my regular checkup, then they can tell me if there is some improvement or if things are the same as last time. But to be honest, I don’t feel any improvement. We need to wait and see.
For this, it is the same as for my hemianopia. I am still proving to the world around me, that I am “normal”. And that I can do everything they do.
At those moments, that is true. Only afterward I can feel that I overdid it. That I went past my limit. Again, this is how I am. That is something within me. I cannot help this.
It also is those “normal” things in life that can hinder me a little bit. Like walking. If I would walk at the speed I am used to, then I get tired quickly. So I need to walk slower. And I need to remind myself every time about this. Or walking and talking. This sounds normal, but for me, if I do this, then I am out of breath very quickly.
Or I need to slow down or stop walking. Even walking up and down the stairs can make me tired very quickly.
But I think that I am slowly learning to say no or accept help when I think I will push myself too far.
One or two weeks ago, I heard someone making a remark. And that made me think about the past 2 years.
Thinking about this pandemic and what it had done to my life. And I am thinking of making some changes in my life. It is tough to make these decisions and I am aware that my decision(s) will affect others. But I also need to think of myself.
It also needs to get through to me, that what I have, is there for life. These things have changed my life and I also need to change my mindset about it. I need to learn to accept these things and learn to live with them.
One thing that will not change, is this blog. I want to keep on writing. Maybe it will be a little bit less than before. But time will tell. Because we cannot see what the future will bring.
Another thing that still keeps on coming to mind is, that the pandemic or the COVID-19 virus is still not over. Every time, a new variant is discovered. I think the virus is here to stay. The only problem will be, how strong will the next variant be.
Why am I worried about this virus? As you maybe know from a post a year ago, my mother died because of the COVID-19 virus. This is something that I will never forget. I heard how it was for her in those last moments. And the sad thing was, that I could not be there because of my heart condition. I am very susceptible to catching any virus or cold. I had to protect myself. So, I am a bit careful.
You see, a lot is going on in my mind. Now I just need to think hard about it and ask our Lord and savior for guidance in making my decisions.
For now, I want to close with my usual words, please be careful and stay safe.