A Difficult/Strange Period.
The last few weeks have been a difficult/strange period for me. Several things had happened during these last weeks. As you maybe know or if you had read my previous post, you know that my mother had passed away. One week after that we had her memorial service. One and a half weeks after that, my son moved out of the house and started his own life. Shortly after that, I got the news that a niece of mine had passed away due to cancer.
All these things are part of our lives. But still, when it happens, we need time to adjust to it. And that is not always easy.
I wrote and published this post, 40 days after my mother had passed away. Those past 40 days were strange. Unreal.
Going to her place to clean up things. Move things. And every time I arrived at her place, you know something was missing. A strange feeling when going through her things. Some things have memories attached to them. And you know that these memories are now the only thing you will have.
In that period, I also felt lost. No energy, no motivation, not in the mood. Too much had happened and I needed time to process it all and learn to accept it. As I mentioned, we all know that this is part of life. In the back of your mind, you know that these things can and will happen. But when they happen, it hits you.
I had quick thoughts, several times, that I had to pick up the phone and call my mother. Just to tell her something that had happened, or just to ask her something. But when that thought passes your mind, you realize that you cannot do that anymore. You now need to tell your story to someone else. Or ask your question to someone else.
And then my son. He moved out. He and his girlfriend moved into their own place. Starting their own life, together.
I am sure that he will manage. Already at an early age, we learned him to be independent. He also had an interest in cooking for himself. So if we would be out late, he could prepare his own dinner. And in the days before he moved out, he had asked my wife to teach him a few recipes. Things that he likes to eat.
In the first week that he left, sometimes in the evening, I wondered if he would be home on time. This because here, at this moment, we have a curfew. But then you realize again, that he will not come home. He has his own place now.
Now and then he will just send a text, to see if we are home because he wants to pick up some of his things. A few days ago, he and the girlfriend passed by, for my wife’s birthday and to have an Easter dinner at home.
It is strange but at the same time, I realized, that this is the same thing as my mother had experienced. This is also how my mother felt after me and my sisters left the house. It is the next phase of life. In the back of your mind, you already can imagine what the next thing will be. That you will be called granddad and grandmother. But for now, I don’t want to think about it yet.
For now, it is the two of us, home alone again, like in the beginning.
An Old Hobby.
I think it was a few weeks before my mother passed away, we had talked on the phone. At one point she had asked me how I was doing at home. If I am not bored. And how about my plastic model kits.
Let me explain. From the age of, I think I was 11, I started building plastic model kits. My main interest was cars and trucks. I did this until I was maybe 22–25 years old. At that time, I was maybe a little bit fanatic about it. In some months I would build maybe 2–4 models. Then life took over. Work, family, child. And things came to a halt.
Maybe it was 2015, I started to get the itch again and started slowly building a kit again. And as always, I made the models at the dining table. Just place everything all over the table and when it was dinner time, place things back in the box and put it aside. Then at one point, things will stay on the side. No time or little interest. But somehow, I never completely let go of it. It now and then crossed my mind. And now when my mother had mentioned it again, I really wanted to start again.
To make sure that I would continue with it, I was thinking of getting a fixed place for it. A place where I could leave my things and not every time had to clean up. I was thinking of using my desk, but there was already not much space.
When my son moved out, I was thinking of placing a table in his room and use that space. But because of all the cabinets from my mother, the room slowly got a different purpose. So I turned a computer desk in our bedroom, into my “new” workspace. Now I don’t need to remove everything and when I have some time, I can just sit at the table and do my thing.
It is nice to just clear your mind and forget things and just focus on a model kit. Because it has been a while, I need to slowly pick up my old tips and tricks. Also, progress did not stand still in this part. There are all sorts of new things. Glue, paint, tools, you name it. And for each of them, you need to learn a new technic again. But I am not in a hurry.
For me, healthwise, this period also was not really easy on my health. Mentally and physically.
Mentally, it is all new to me. There is a lot that goes through your mind. So many things you think about. You also need time to adjust to it. But so far, it is all still a bit unreal.
Physically, you are busy for some time. Disassembling things, moving them, assembling them again. Long days.
I also noticed that during the day, that around the afternoon, I started to feel nauseous. Normally in the morning, I did not felt like that. I know this feeling from a very long time ago. And remembered that I usually got this when I had overdone it. When I did not listen to my body and took a rest.
Just to make sure, I checked with my specialist and doctor. And after hearing the situation, they told me that it could be two things or maybe a combination. Too tired and maybe partly stress. I need to really start listening to my body and take more rest moments. My body cannot handle it anymore. This is also a bit difficult for me because I always want to help. And maybe sometimes take that extra step.
After trying to take more resting moments, and try to focus on nice and easy things, it got better.
In regards to my kidney, I had a blood and urine checkup. The result was, that there is too much urine acid and that can be a cause for the forming of new kidney stones. To slow this down or to prevent new stones, I got one more medication added to my collection.
Because of all my other medications and my heart condition, I need to have one more check-up in two to three weeks. Just to make sure that everything goes as planned. It will be a balancing act.
- Life is not easy. Losing a loved one takes time. The time that you really need to take. For some it is a short time, for others, it takes a bit longer. But I think you will never fully get over it. But that is okay.
- I also need to learn to listen to my body more. And not ignore it. Take the rest that is needed. Learn to let it go and not always go further than you can. Or just take your time. There is no hurry. It is still difficult for me to accept that my body cannot do everything like before. I have limitations now. And that it is okay, to sometimes take a step back.
- When children leave the house and start their own lives, as parents you also just hope that you have prepared them well, for this phase in their lives. It is now up to them.
- Writing and reading will always be in my life. Building model kits is one way for me to get my mind focused on other things. And it is nice to sometimes think back to the old days.
As always, please take care and stay safe during this pandemic and pray that this all will be over soon.
This post also can be found on my Medium page/profile.
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